Landslide

Another change in my so called postdoc life…. a new lab.  I’ve been working in the same laboratory that I received my Ph.D. in and funding (as it has been with many) is extremely tight.  The start of 2015 brought in two new graduate students but no additional funds so I was essentially laid-off.   I’m okay.  I could see the writing on the wall before anyone said that there was no funding to support my position.  Usually I get a renewal letter 2-3 months prior to the designated end of my work period but no such letter came.   I spent those months looking for any advertised positions, submitted multiple applications, had a few interviews, and fewer offers.  It’s a hard market out there even for postdocs. 

The gearing down of my first postdoc was a lot harder than I thought.  I think it is because I spent an inordinate amount of time in one place and had essentially built my life around the lab.  It was difficult to imagine myself fractured from a place that I called home for nearly a decade.  Much of the lab I considered to be myself; the way it is organized, day to day management and atmosphere.   There is a certain clarity that comes with such events, one being that postdocs are expendable.  We do not belong to a union and while we are less expensive than graduate students, PIs are likely to retain them because they are rising in their careers and may work with someone better noted than the PI (that’s academic pedigree for you).  Also, it looks poorly on the advisor that lets go of a graduate student.   No department is large enough where this type of news doesn’t spread.  So unless a national or at least on a university level postdoc union is formed or the attitudes of PIs change (in which postdocs are considered integral members of the lab), my situation will become more frequent in the postdoc community.

This would be easy for me to deal with, I am aware of my placement in this lab.  What is hurtful is the way in which my contributions were celebrated.  One member of the lab who left in the middle of a project because he no longer wished to continue on with the PI (after 8 years) received an $80 leather bound journal, calendar and business card holder.  I received…2 books…totaling less than $20.  I guess that is a $2 appreciation for each year.  I’ve read both books and already own one.  Extreme #giftfail.  It isn’t the gifts themselves that were disappointing but the lack of thought.  I guess the PI just stopped in at the nearest bookstore and went to the easiest shelf. 

Again, moment of clarity.  The only one who has your best interests at heart is yourself.   This year I am going to reinvent and build myself up again so that when I look at my reflection it can be someone independent and proud.  While my new lab isn’t exactly in my field, it is an opportunity to broaden my knowledge in science and learn about a different mentoring style.  It also gives me a chance to start thinking about projects I would like to do as a PI.  I keep plugging away at my K99/R00 and fellowship so that I can independently support myself next year.  I’m not going to let this landslide bring me down.